1/5/26

I’ve lost it. Whatever it was that made my writing - at the bare minimum -  readable over the last few years, I am no longer capable of it. Every week, as I build out my blog paragraph by paragraph, all I can bring myself to do is write slop; drawn-out anecdotes of pity parties and woeful tales of how much I’ve dreaded the last few months, though in some ways I would argue, rightfully so. Anyone who knows me knows how much I hate the position I’m in. My social life consists of running errands with my mom and/or sister, and forced conversation between coworkers who, despite prolonged exposure for several months, I have yet to break any semblance of friendship out of. My entire life consists of thinking about a future that I not only don’t live yet, but am getting increasingly worried may not be as close to my reality as I might have hoped. I can't even afford to buy my happiness, as every cent comes with a voice that says, “Save me for New York! If you spend money now, you’ll never make it in New York!” But what makes it worse is how aware of it I am. I know how draining I’ve become; a constant mope fest, reminiscing about a past life I am incapable of leaving behind, largely because nothing else has happened yet. And it’s begun to spread. Spreading within my writing, leaching onto my relationships, sucking the life out of my conversations, and I sit back and let it happen. 

But that’s why New Year’s Eve exists. 

Like clockwork, I lie down in bed every night and spend an hour or so scrolling TikTok, watching a show, starting a movie, or staring off into the distance until the weight of sleep deprivation forces me away from my screens - yet actually falling asleep does not occur right then and there. By the time 10 PM comes around, I lie awake and think about all the things I need to change; I need to get the fuck off my phone; I need to quit nicotine; I have to find a better job; I need to move; I have to be nicer; I need to be better. And every night, my eyelids begin to get heavier as I tell myself, "tomorrow, I will change my life for the better". A few hours later, before the sun has risen or my day has even begun, I am back on my phone, a vape lying in front of me, and 30 minutes already logged onto my daily screentime. New Year's allows for an all-new perspective - if you really want it to. As the day drew closer and closer, I began to think hard and often about all the things I wanted to change, and I made a point to do it anytime other than as I drifted into my subconscious (no thought after 9 PM is constructive). I wanted to keep those thoughts at the forefront of my daily affirmations so that, when the day finally arrived, I knew that it was not just another morning to fall into my usual routine, but an all-new, fresh, and clean 365 days lying ahead of me. 

Years in the past have been spent with a similar aspiration for self improve in mind, but where previous years centered on a sense of belonging - this deep seated desire to know myself before making any long standing judgements about my life - I now feel as though this may be the first year in which the question of what I want becomes overtaken by questions of how to achieve them. I've spent the last few days racking my brain for how Im going to do such a thing - turning the things I want into the things I have - and I decided that the best to explain it, and to keep myself as accountable as possible, is to break it down into the nittiest of nitty gritty lists - one I will be sharing publically, with the suggestion of some manner of public scrutiny if, by the end of December 2026, I am back in the same square number one. Starting with step number one, quick-form serotonin. 

Anyone born after the year 1990 has become quite familiar with the term "instant gratification", especially - if not primarily - in the sense that we all seek it. We crave a sense of accomplishment, and often that tends to orient around objects in our lives that maybe don't need it. Thus, one of my biggest, and not to mention, hardest goals to accomplish this year is decreasing my reliance on things that only exist in my life for the very simple, yet seemingly essential, dopamine rush. I want to form a better connection with long-form content, watching, reading, and doing things that engage my brain the way that I know I enjoy, but that takes a little more energy to reap the benefits of. One such angle is, of course, quitting nicotine, something I have been putting off for years despite an endless desire to do so. I know, in the long run, it will improve my way of living. My skin will be clearer, my shifts will go smoother, and my REM sleep will improve. And as daunting as I know this will be for me, and as many times as I have told myself it will happen, I do feel a substantial difference in my mindset this time around. It isn't a simple "I have to stop doing this right now"; I don't feel a pressure to be rid of it immediately, but rather I can feel that I actually really want to. Similarly, I want to read more and watch more movies rather than recycling the same Adult Cartoon shows from start to finish over and over again. I tell myself this almost daily as I sit down to sew, or really any project not involving astute observation (reading, writing, etc) - "Christian, don't watch another episode of Family Guy, watch one of the hundreds of genuinely interesting movies you have had sitting in your watchlist for the last five years" I tell myself as I giggle at Peter Griffin falling down the steps once again. Admittedly, most people can attest to enjoying simpler forms of entertainment when noise and attention are the only necessities. However, it isn't an unknown fact that more complex stories engage more complex parts of your brain, a part of my brain that, though it exists, does not get the same level of attention and care as the part that loves a solid barf joke. And though nicotine and Seth Macfarlane are two very different mediums for a quick rush of serotonin, one of which (Macfarlane) is drastically harder to quit outright, they both serve an essential part of keeping my life more dormant. Which leads me to step two, movement. 

I don't aim to write a paragraph about exercising, nor the pros and cons of doing so, but it goes without saying that a dormant lifestyle is a very slippery slope. Without going too in depth, I simply want to ensure more mobility in my life. Now, I'm not entirely sure what all that entails right at this moment. I know that a big part of it is spending more time outside, a mission that will be difficult without the excuse of a morning cigarette, a walking cigarette, a cigarette earned after work, but is one I desperately hope to accomplish. It becomes difficult in the colder months to find the motivation, and within the last few months, my morning walks, treks for coffee, and bike rides have been placed on the back burner, over taken by sitting inside with my feet infront of a space heater. The hardest challenge with this is that I wish to exclude dormancy even when it occurs alongside productivity. Days on end have been spent in front of a sewing machine, or lounging on my bed, as I am right now, typing away at my little laptop, but as the day winds to an end, my body doesnt register its lack of movement as a sacrifice for the greater artistic good, only that it hasnt moved enough in the last few days. Whether that means taking a beat to sweep the house, going thirty minutes on my mom's stair-eliptical-thing, or getting a morning workout in, all I know is that I cannot spend another year letting my body mold into my mattress. 

Ironic as it may seem, given the full spiel I've spouted for the last five paragraphs, I think one of the hardest challenges to overcome in terms of New Year's resolutions is the staggering amount one places upon their own shoulders to actually get it done. We put so much before us at the start of the new year, raising our expectations beyond that which disappointed us for not meeting as the previous one concluded, that it makes it nearly impossible to even begin, let alone consistently stay on track for the days ahead of us. Which is why I have an overarching goal number three, letting myself be. One of the hardest things about 2025 was what I expected to come of it. No matter how much I lived in the moment and made attempts at just letting everything outside of my control simply unravel, when the realization struck that none of it went the way I hoped, it broke me. This year I place even more on myself. I have so much I hope to accomplish, so much I want to do and learn, that it doesn't feel out of the question to be setting myself up for failure, resulting in the same resolutions for 2027. Thus, the biggest challenge I face is actually, finally, letting go of the reins. For once, I would like to stop caring so much. I would like be pationate, and driven, and hard working; I want to read more books, watch more interesting movies, write and sew and make more; I want to move to a new city, get a new job, make new friends, and start a new life; I want to excercise more, and finally have a body I dont feel a gutwrenching desire to move and mold every other week. But above everything else, more than any goal or shift or accomplishment I hope to reach this year, I want to give myself, my friends, my family, my loved ones, some grace. I want to give myself the patience not to need it all to happen, but only to keep it in mind as I go through my day. Maybe by the time 5 PM comes today, I wont want to move around anymore; I want to be okay with that. Maybe on a day I aimed to finish a pair of pants Im making, I decide to go for a hike instead; I want to be okay with that. Maybe a friend leaves a song that reminded me of them on read after Ive sent it there way, I want to get to a point where that no longer registers as a personal offense. I want to just be. 

Every year of my life has been processed through a system of some sort, separated by distinguishable pinpoints. There was the year I spent with my grandma, the year I started second grade. There was the year I graduated, and the year I moved to Arizona. I had years I went on trips to California and Washington, to Maine and Nova Scotia. I had years that featured the culmination of my academic career, and the year that I moved back home. And for the first time, in my entire life, I want to have a year I can make entirely from scratch - a year commemorated with good food, and fun friends, family gatherings, and cool places. I want a year where, by the time it ends, if all I have are memories to look back on, I feel accomplished. Truth be told, there have been a good amount of years in which I questioned if Id make it to see the one I live in right now, and right now, with no restrictions other than living to see the end of it, Im more than happy to do just that.